No Sh*t, Please!

As I've been spending some time pondering ways to bring more focus, clarity, and balance to my life I started reading a few books on the subject. I just finished reading Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner. It's a good book. I like his take on things, and the way he describes things. He's a funny guy, and I like funny. Especially when the funny's aimed at a subject like religion, which is usually taken so seriously. Your own personal religious beliefs might be very serious and important to you internally as an individual and they probably should be. But when groups of people get together the seriousness of religion should be left out of the picture. Serious religious thinking just isn't a group activity and trying to make it one only causes problems! But I digress...

My point was that Buddhism (and Brad Warner) emphasizes questioning things. It reminds you to question authority, question yourself, question everything. That's one of the things I've always liked about it. And meditation. I like that too. So somewhere in meditating over all this talk of questioning things and pondering the focus of my existence I hit on a little nugget of truth about myself. Here it is in a nutshell: I don't want to take a lot of shit.

And I mean that in every possible way. I don't want to take a lot of unnecessary attitude from anyone, I don't want a lot of drama in my life, I don't want to put up with a lot of dogma, I don't want to be really competitive, I don't want people cramping my style or telling me what to do, and I don't want to take in a lot of shit, either. I don't want to take a bunch of drugs or be wasted all the time, I don't want to eat nasty food or breathe nasty carcinogens.

So. Now that I've got the "don'ts" covered, what about he "do's", right? What do I want? Could it be the exact opposite of what I don't want? Let's see...

That would mean that I... Do want to, um, give a little bit of good stuff? Uh, I want to give off a good vibe or attitude, I want to limit the drama and bring in more calm & peace (I had to use a thesaurus for that one), I want to allow for the existence of a certain amount of ambiguity and uncertainty (that was even trickier than 'drama'), I want to not worry about being or having the 'best', I want to be free to express myself and to be around people who inspire me. I also want to prepare and share and eat good foods & drinks, and be in healthy natural environments that aren't toxic to me.

Yeah. I do want all those things. And I do think that if I had more of those in my every day life I would feel better, and yes, even be more balanced, focused and clear-headed. Well, I will just have to work on that.

Office Time Wasted: Only about an hour, I think. But it's not really relevant, is it? The object of the game is balance so, if the job's getting done, what difference does it make how much time I actually spend on it? Wait, does that sentence even make sense?? It might be time for a tea break.

Listening To: Rancid's '...And Out Come the Wolves'

Focus

I'm not very good at focusing. I don't think I ever have been. Actually, I guess if I'm really honest with myself, when I'm working on something specific I can focus on that one thing just fine. I'm really good at that, as a matter of fact. For a little while. The problem is that my focus doesn't seem to encompass the bigger picture so I jump from project to project, job to job, friend to friend, place to place, etc. working on each one with intense attention for about 5 minutes before I move on to the next one. I'm always looking for the next new thing to learn about & discover & puzzle over.

The result is that my life seems to be an accumulation of short-lived flights of fancy with no real direction or aim to guide me. That was alright for awhile. And it's been fun. But I'm realizing as time passes that I'm not able to accomplish anything really big or important this way. I can't get really good at anything, or turn out any really great piece of work, or create any really strong bonds with anyone, or even develop a strong sense of personal integrity if I'm always just buzzing all over the place. I have so many hobbies and interests, but if I'm actually going to perfect any one of them or be successful at any particular thing, I need to choose what I want to focus on and really work on it.

Here are the things I've narrowed it down to right now: Writing, Drawing, Crafting things, or focusing on School/Career goals (since I'm about to start taking grad school classes in the Fall). These are the things that I mostly find myself spending time on and thinking about. I'd like to be able to decide what really feeds my soul and start putting more routine, regular energy into that rather than letting it happen in fits & starts the way I usually do things. The goal is to create a more steady stream of satisfaction and an accumulation of completed works to help me identify what's really important to me and what I'm really good at.

My plan is to spend at least 15 minutes a day on at least one of the above-mentioned categories. I'll keep at them. I'll find out which thing gives me the most satisfaction, and which thing better remain in the margins. I also plan to use the old standby's: Yoga and Meditation to help guide this little endeavor. Balance, baby! No more flitting about uselessly. I want to move with a purpose and create something wonderful along the way. If I have no identified goal for my life I find myself trying on all these different hats and just spinning my wheels, feeling all wobbly and out of balance. But how do I expect to achieve balance in my life if I don't even know what the focus of my life is? It's a 'which came first? The chicken or the egg' kind of question. This is what I'll be exploring for the next couple of weeks, at least.

Books to Accompany This Post: Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner, The Artist in The Office by Summer Pierre
Office Time Wasted: Not much. It's been a busy week! I've been forced to do this on my own time.

Molasses Dust in the Air

So far, it has been one of those terrible, zombie-state kind of weeks where I have so many things to do at home, so busy at work, but sooooo tired. It's been really gray, and cloudy, and humid outside, and I think there's some kind of lethargy-inducing mold spore floating around in the air. It's poisoning us. I'm not the only one who has it- friends at work are complaining of the same thing. I'm hoping when it finally passes it will be followed by a light & happy, energy-inducing wind. Here's to hoping!
In the meantime I'm just slogging through, one foot in front of the other, and probably not going to make it to the gym any time soon. Even though maybe that's exactly what I need- a good workout. Hmmm, something to think about while I struggle through the day.

Oarlock update: it didn't work. My plan was a bust. No success at all with the solo rowing. I think I'm just going to have to give up on that idea because if I don't I'll probably end up just putting a lot of time and money into it and, in the end, it still won't look or act the way I really want it to. I'm just going to have to get a battery for the trolling motor, use the motor to get around, and use the oars occasionally, canoe-style, when I just don't need to go very far. We would probably never make it to the little island on the power of oars alone, anyway. My little boat is not made for speed, that's for sure! It's heavy, and clunky, and really, really slooooww. Like this week.

(That turtle up there had been hit by the molasses too. He didn't move at all, kept his foot sticking out like that, for at least the 5 minutes that I was standing there!)

Good slow activity of the week: Hand-hemming pants while sitting on the couch watching How To Marry A Milliionaire.
Office Time Wasted: Well, none of it's been wasted on purpose this week, but who knows how much the molasses dust has taken.

Communication

The other night I watched 'He's Just Not That Into You' with my husband. I'm a sucker for most romantic comedies, even if they're not very good. This one wasn't bad. I'd watch it again. I even got a little teary eyed during the part where Ben Affleck shows up and does the dishes, etc. for Jennifer Aniston when her dad's sick. When it was over, my husband declared it "a terrible movie" and launched into a complaint about the fact that Ben Affleck exists. I said the movie was alright. It was entertaining even though some of it was ridiculous, the main girl's insane, and the other one's having some sort of nervous breakdown. And, although I'm not a fan of Mr. Affleck myself, I really liked his character in that movie. He's honest and sincere, and he did exactly the right thing -the single most helpful thing he could do, actually- when his girlfriend was upset and needed him. It was so sweet and thoughtful, I said. My husband just scoffed!

But the next day a strange thing happened. He called me at work and left a message (!) saying "I went to the store and I got soy sauce and Pull Ups. I repeat, I got soy sauce and Pull Ups. That's all." That by itself is pretty big news because just that morning I had mentioned in passing that I had made a recipe for dinner the night before but it hadn't come out right because I realized half way into it that I was out of soy sauce. It's important to note that, since we work different hours and my husband is, um, way too hungry when he gets home to deal with complicated reheating procedures (not lazy, hungry), he doesn't eat what I eat. When I cook it's for me & the kiddo, not for the Mr. So him buying soy sauce for my dinner was awfully nice. Buying soy sauce AND Pull Ups without even being asked to was over the top! Plus he left a message, which he never does.

And it doesn't end there. When I got home after work the stove top was cleaned, the dishes done, and 2 loads of laundry done, too! They weren't folded and one load hadn't made it out of the dryer, but still. He had even done a separate load of whites! I don't ever even do that, not just whites. And to top it all off I later noticed that the window in the bathroom was open so I stepped up onto the edge of the bathtub to close it and I smelled bleach. He had cleaned the tub! With bleach! Amazing.

All this from the same guy who, a few weeks earlier, had laughed at me when I said, "Before you leave for work could you make the beds and clean up the house?"
"Clean up the whole house," he chuckled, shaking his head. Then, seeing the look on my face, he added, "I guess you don't understand how hilarious that is."
"But I'm serious," I said, really seriously. "I clean up the whole house every day. Why shouldn't you do it sometimes?" He just looked exasperated.

I should mention that my husband and I have been having some serious communication problems lately. We have not been meshing well at all for the past several months. He has gotten way too comfortable with leaving all the house & family & responsibility stuff to me so that he can go out and have fun, and I have gotten way too comfortable with blowing him off and doing everything myself because I just don't want to deal with the argument or make the effort to include him in something when I know he'll just drag his feet and I'll feel like I'm raising 2 kids instead of 1. It has taken me awhile to realize that this is why I sometimes find myself feeling mildly disgusted at the sight of him. He's a grown man, right? Why is he acting like a little boy? We needed to talk, obviously, to work it out. So, I keep trying to talk about it and he keeps trying to avoid talking about it by suggesting things for us to do instead.

The movie was one of the things he suggested. I had sort of reluctantly agreed to sit down and watch it with him instead of downloading the pictures from our West Texas trip, or reading my new book, or drawing, which all sounded like more fun than watching a movie after a day of staring at the computer screen at work. But I don't want to be disgusted by the man I'm married to so I joined him on the couch. The movie was fun. We laughed, we complained about the irritating insane girl, he drooled over Scarlett Johannson, and I admired Ben Affleck's sensitive man-ness. If we had watched this a couple of months ago I probably wouldn't have bothered to argue if the movie or any of its actors had a right to exist. I hadn't hit on the idea of trying to fix the problem yet (I was too busy ignoring it) so I probably would have just rolled my eyes and gone to bed with a big, irritated sigh wondering why my husband has to makes jokes about everything. And then in the morning I would tell him to clean the house and he'd roll his eyes and wonder why I'm so demanding. Later, I'd come home and the house would be a disaster but the lawn would be mowed, and I would get good and pissed off because why the hell can't we just communicate?! Didn't I ask him to clean up the house? Who had said anything about the lawn?? Something's always getting lost in translation.

But romantic comedies...that's a language everyone understands, apparently. All those times I had told him I needed help around the house had gotten me bupkus! I just came off as demanding without being able to explain why what I was asking for was important. Men are visual creatures, they say. Although I didn't (and still don't, really) know how to communicate what it is that our relationship needs, it seems that something about seeing the idea in action and then talking about it helps. Suddenly it means something when there's a visual aid. Weird. But useful. I'll have to try that one again sometime. I guess Ben Affleck's existence is not a complete waste after all.

Office Time Wasted: about an hour and a half of typing time.

Yesterday's Disasters

'Disaster' is a relative term. Compared to a lot of really disastrous disasters, yesterdays events don't even count, actually. They were just things that didn't go right. This post should really be called Yesterday's Things That Didn't Go As Planned. But that's too long. I'd better stop mulling over the post's title though, and just get on with it.
Here's what didn't go as planned:
We went up to west Texas for the weekend to see family for a nephew's Law School graduation (some pictures from the trip are included). We had planned to get back home on Monday and just keep our son out of school for the day. I was going to spend Monday afternoon getting him all signed up for summer camp (which I can't believe I haven't done yet!), meeting an old friend for lunch, and then cleaning out the fish tank. Instead we got back on Sunday so the boy went to school, and I forgot all about both summer camp sign-up and the lunch meeting! I'll have to do the summer camp today (hopefully they'll still let him in) and rescheduled the lunch for sometime later this week (which means it's probably not going to happen at all). And I just plain didn't get around to cleaning out the fish tank. Those sad, oxygen starved fish are short about 4 inches of water so I really need to do that tonight. Come on motivator!
Since I was home from work on a scheduled day off with nothing really important to do (and had decided to blow off the fish) I went out and got the oar locks for my rowboat, and some hardware for mounting them. I got the holes drilled in the boat and put the locks on and was all set to be enormously happy with myself and my productivity... but then I tested the oars in the new locks and realized that they're set too low for the oars to clear the sides of the boat! So disappointing.
The problem is that the edges of the boat are curved outward and the whole thing's made of fiberglass. I can't mount anything directly on the curve because it's not strong enough to support the weight, so I mounted the oarlocks just beneath the curve. I thought the lock itself would sit up high enough in the little holster to allow the oars to work, but no such luck. I don't want to add anything to the boat that sticks up over the sides because I need smooth sides in order to push the thing onto the top of my car without lifting. And I really don't want to put any more holes in the poor little guy. So many obstacles!
It took me a really long time to come up with a plan to make the damn things work in exactly the place that they are, but I think I finally figured it out. I will write a separate post about that once I get it sorted out, so there's something to look forward to.



I did manage to accomplish a couple of things though. I washed the dog, cleaned the house, unpacked all the trip stuff, went to the grocery store, and finally mopped the floors with this great homemade Peppermint Floor Wash that's supposed to help keep bugs away. I'm not sure about the bugs yet, but it worked pretty well on the wood floor, it smells good, and it's dirt cheap so I like it already.
Office Time Wasted: Only the hour or so that it took to write this today.

Getting Things Off The Ground

I literally and figuratively managed to get some things off the ground this week.

In the number 1 spot: I finally got my little fishing boat off of the grass in the backyard and back out on the water! And I did it all by myself, too. Yes, I finally quit waiting for the trailer that I'm never going to get, or the truck that we're never going to buy, or for my husband to decide that he not only wants to lend a hand, but also actually would like to join me out on the lake. Because that might never happen either!


After a beautiful, relaxing Mother's Day weekend camping and swimming in the springs I came home obsessed with the need to squeeze more time into my days for that simple, peaceful feeling that comes with floating along on the water. "I need to get that boat out of the yard, and I need to do it myself," I decided. The boat has been lying dormant, propped up against the shed in the backyard ever since my son was born six years ago because that was around the time we sold our trucks. I was too preoccupied with baby care, marriage drama, and job nonsense during that time to think much about boating. But now, suddenly this week it seemed imperative for a good summer that I either use it or lose it! Old Byewfurd of the Arctic (now of the Southern Shores) has been home to old rainwater and cockroaches for too long! What have I been doing waiting around for someone to help with this, anyway? It's MY boat (a gift from my husband, who has zero interest in boats or water) and if I can't use it when I want to I shouldn't even have it. And also, yes, good eye. One of the things I 'figuratively' got off the ground is the motivation to take the initiative in making things happen.
So I started reading up all the info I could find about transporting a small fiberglass, flat-bottom rowboat and it turned out the easiest thing to do is also the cheapest: throw the sucker on top of your car and tie it down. Long story short- I did it! I spent about $60 on a boat dolly to wheel the boat out of the yard, etc since he's too heavy to carry by myself, and $15 or so on tie-downs to secure him to the car. I also spent about $4 on foam pipe insulation tubes that I thought I could put on the boat's edges to prevent scratching my car top, but those are actually going to have to be returned since they didn't work! I got a pretty good amount of yellow boat paint on my red car until I realized I could just use a regular bedsheet under the boat to protect the car (and I'm pretty sure I can use the Magic Eraser sponge that I already have to remove the paint marks, but that might have to be one of next week's accomplishments). While I was gathering up my supplies my husband spent a good deal of time trying to convince me it was a bad idea and a waste of time. He said I should wait until we got a trailer and could 'do it right'. I told him he should wait in the house until I was done. He did. And I enjoyed sweet success!


A friend and I then took old Byewfurd out on the lake to test for leaks and had no trouble at all, not a single crack or leak to be found! The next part of the getting-the-boat-off-the-ground plan is going to be painting and waxing it, and getting the oarlocks put in. I'm envisioning lots of lovely, languorous summer afternoons on the water with my son & friends, picnic-ing and fishing.
Cost: ~$75... oh, plus $15 for a cool little waterproof bag and $3 for a floating keychain I decided were too practical to say 'no' to, so actually $93
Office Time Wasted: ~4 or 5 hours (spread out over 3 work days) scouring the web for transport info and the best place to buy a good-priced boat dolly.


In the number 2 spot: Since my brother in law just sent me the computer fix-it app to allow me to use the Flip camera software on my tiny little netbook screen I was finally able to complete a Flip movie! I gathered up all the footage I had from my son's t-ball games and put together a mini film that I shared on Facebook. That last bit makes me sound like a dorky teenager, but really I'm pretty happy that I not only finally figured out how to do this, but actually got around to doing it both in the same week! It's good to feel productive.
Cost: ~$0
Office Time Wasted: also 0

Oh yeah, and in the number 3 spot: I created this blog! The idea had been bouncing around for awhile. I felt like I needed a little more balance in my life. There had to be a way to bring a little more of my normal 'life' hours into my working day so that I wouldn't feel such a disconnect the minute I sit down at my desk, right? So that I wouldn't feel like I'm leaving this mountain of other things just neglected and unfinished every time I log into my work email to answer really mundane, not all that important, work stuff, right? So here it is. A tiny little slice of Me Time in an otherwise purely Worker Drone 8 hour time slot. 8 hours! That's far too much time to spend only on office work! Where's the balance? Let's see if this helps at all.
Cost: $0
Office Time Wasted: ~5 hours, spread over 3 days. This includes time spent spacing out thinking about what I could possibly blog about, time spent setting up the blog (choosing colors, fonts, etc- which takes a surprising amount of time if you're as indecisive as I am), and time spent actually writing this thing! Whew.